Random Cooking Failures

One day Fred threw a left over Costco hot dog in the microwave to eat. As the microwave heated the hot dog I saw sparks flashing inside the microwave because Fred forgot to take out the foil. I panicked. All I did was stand next to the microwave, shouting "fire," and pointing at the flaming hot dog. I could have just opened the microwave door and everything would be fine. Instead, Fred ran across the room and pulled his hot dog out. To this day everyone makes fun of me for shouting fire while standing next to a potential fire.

 One night my roommates made Jell-O for a potluck. One of my roommates, Lincoln, poured the Jell-O on to an aluminum tray, but as he poured Jell-O the liquid never rose. It turned out the aluminum tray had a hole in the bottom, and the Jell-O leaked out. Lincoln cleaned up the leaked Jell-O on the counter with a rag while other roommates transferred the rest of the Jell-O onto a clean tray. Afterward, someone jokingly told Lincoln to squeeze the Jell-O from the rag on to the clean tray. So Lincoln squeezed the dirty rag juice onto the Jell-O, therefore contaminating the whole dessert. Fred screamed and told Lincoln to never do that again. Everyone was then forced to make Jell-O all over again.

Snoring

  I cannot write a blog about roommates without mentioning myself because no one can ever be a perfect roommate. The biggest issue living with me is my snoring. I have heard horror stories about my snoring for the past three years, and I think I can confidently say I snore louder than screaming. My snoring constantly wakes people up at night. In fact, I occasionally wake myself up. My roommate, Fred, usually kicks my bed, or lifts my blanket to stop my snoring. Unfortunately, I wake up whenever he bothers me, and then I go back to snoring within a minute. One morning I snored so loud I woke up my entire house:

Roommate 1: Oh, man. What is that loud roar?

Roommate 2: That would be D.

Roommate 1: Oh. Oh! How can Fred sleep at night?

 When I wake up:

Me: Oh. My throat hurts. Did I wake anyone up?

Roommate 1 (screaming from his room): Yeah. You woke me up.

All my roommates, past and present, have experienced my loud snoring. I usually give them a head start at sleeping, but I still wake them up. I think my snoring is hereditary because I do not think my family suffers from sleep apnea, and only they can snore as loud as me.

Midnight Snack

One night Joe, my three other roommates, and I gathered around the dining table and shared muffins we had received from neighbors. Around midnight we started cleaning up, but Joe did something that made the night unforgettable:

Joe: Hey guys, you know what I like most about muffins?

Everyone: What?

Joe: You get to do this.

Joe picks up the paper muffin wrapper, rolls up into a ball, and eats it.

As Joe smiled, chewing on the paper, our jaws literally dropped. Everyone just paused and stared at Joe chewing and spitting out chunks of paper. When people started leaving the dining room, I purposefully teased Joe and left the extra muffin wrappers for him to eat. I turned my head for a second, and then I hear a loud gulp. Next thing I see is Joe walking up the stairs chewing on another paper muffin cup.

More recently, Joe, two different roommates, and I were just hanging around doing work at the dining table. On the table was a bag of Hershey’s Kisses chocolates. Joe ate one piece and wrapped the foil into a small ball. He balanced the foil on his knuckles, and when he made a fist the foil would fly up and hit somebody. Meanwhile, I was busy writing my mock script for class (yes it was my script for BECA 470 last semester), but Joe kept flicking the foil ball at my face. It soon became too difficult to concentrate on writing. I finally gave up when Joe flicked the foil into the air and swallowed it. Joe went into shock and he started choking. Any one of us would have helped him get the ball out, but we were all too busy laughing. I fell from my chair laughing hysterically, to the point of crying. When he spat the foil ball out it took me five minutes to calm down. In the end, I never made any progress on my script because I was too exhausted from laughing.

What Not To Bring When You Move Into A New Place

In 2008, I moved into a tower apartment with three other people close to San Francisco State University. During the move in, no one knew the exact living arrangements. I originally was hoping to live in the master bedroom with my friend from the dorms.  Instead, I was paired up with a person I did not know too well and forced to live in the smaller room. One roommate, Ben, made the argument that whoever brought the most communal things should live in the master bedroom, and if the current living arrangements did not work out then we all could swap rooms during winter. We all agreed to the idea and I settled living in the small room.

Ben got to live in the master bedroom because he brought half of the living room furniture, but he also brought the most junk. He was the kind of guy who brought things no one would never need: five samurai swords for display, a closet full of BB guns, and glassware for mixing drinks. Half the stuff Ben brought from home was impractical and a waste of space. Towards the end of our lease we ended up throwing away most of his furniture (It was destroyed through his obsessive partying), and he sold his BB gun collection to make rent. The lesson I learned from Ben is do not bring junk for “decoration” because it serves no purpose. To anyone who plans to live with other people please be considerate and prioritize bringing only bare essentials and things other people can use like dishes, pots, pans, toaster, etc…but do not use random junk or personal belongings as a justification to live in the master bedroom.

Ask For Permission Part II Featuring Roommate Joe

Currently, I live in a townhouse two blocks away from my old apartment with six other people. One of my roommates and close friends is Joe. Joe is not his real name; it is an alias I am using to protect his identity. Before moving in, Joe was infamous for using and donating other roommates’ property. In one instance, Joe thought Costco pot stickers would taste better if he added tea flavor to the wonton wrap. The mistake Joe made was that he used expensive tea leaves imported from Taiwan to make his pot stickers, and worst of all the tea belonged to his roommate Eddie. Eddie came home he screamed at the sight of Joe using his expensive tea to make Costco pot stickers. The whole dilemma kept getting worse and worse. Joe's pot stickers tasted awful, he wasted high quality tea, and he could have used a cheaper brand of tea to cook. As of today, everyone recalls Joe’s idiocy as an example of being an awful roommate.

In a similar instance, Joe found a bunch of random things lying around in the living room. He assumed people did not want to keep these possessions anymore, so he donated them without asking. I was not living with Joe at the time, but his roommates were outraged. One person lost a digital camera that still contained personal pictures that had not been loaded onto a computer, and everyone else lost some of their clothes. Joe is infamous for weird behavior. He is a nice guy we all love, and we do make fun of his short comings. Be on the lookout if you see him again on the blog.

Ask For Permission

One of the worst things a roommate can do is sell, steal, donate, and destroy your property without permission. When I was living in a tower apartment one of my roommates stole my white board and tore off the wooden borders. I was furious because he went into my bedroom, took the board, erased all my class notes, and price listings to sell his alcohol. He could have at least called or sent a text before using my board, but he was inconsiderate of others and cared only about making money. In addition, this same roommate stole my fabric softener and waffle iron. He claimed both items were his but I knew the fabric softener was mine because I cut each sheet in half, a habit my mom taught me. I also knew the waffle iron was mine because my parents did not want it and forced me to take it. In the end, my solution to my roommate’s stealing habit was simply stealing back what was mine. When my roommate was not home I dug through his laundry and took back my fabric softeners. I also hid my waffle iron behind my dresser. Eventually, my bad roommate moved out and I found his waffle iron hidden in the back of the kitchen pantry. When he moved out, I claimed his waffle iron and a large pot he left behind. I guess “what goes around comes around.” My roommate stole and damaged my stuff, and a few years later I kept all the things he left behind. Life works that way sometimes.

Misadventures of a Semi-Professional Comedian (Voice writing)

Last time I went to San Jose I went to a club that was hosting an open mic. Thankfully they allowed only ten people to do stand up, so the event was not going to go over two hours. However, I was schedule to go up last. The problem with going last is you have a small crowd or no crowd to entertain. The first few guys delivered decent material, and people laughed at their jokes. Unfortunately, by the sixth person half the crowd left. The next person that went up afterwards absolutely failed at his deliveries which turned the crowd cold. Eventually, I got to perform there were only fourteen people that stood around to watch me, although four people were my friends that came along for support. The crowd laughed at most of my jokes and gave applause when I finished my bit. It was a decent night despite being last and dealing with a cold crowd. The San Jose crowd is different from San Francisco. I think my jokes are harder for San Jose folks to relate to. Perhaps I should visit San Jose and Santa Clara more often to work on new material. Maybe that will boost my stand-up.