Bad Roommate's friends

I was just thinking about this incident last night. At my old apartment my roommates used to eat my left over food with out telling me. I didn't get mad because I did the same to them. However, if leftovers are labeled then it is clearly obvious other people should not touch your food. One night I bought a whole pizza and ate a few slices. I stored my leftovers in the fridge and left a note saying it was my lunch for the very next day. Unfortunately, my roommate's friends ate my leftovers. I was angry because I barely ate my pizza, and I didn't know who ransacked fridge. I asked (demanded) who ate my food, but no spoke up. In the end, nothing was resolved which resulted in me hating my roommate's friends and vice-versa.

Unnatural Food

     This past Easter Sunday one of our friends left a bag of candy on our dining table. When we came home from Church, I went upstairs to drop off my stuff, and when I came down stairs I saw Lincoln with grotesque face.
 I asked him what was wrong:

Me: Hey dude, what's up?
Lincoln: I thought this was candy.
Me: Uh... that's a giant piece of chalk...no!

While I was upstairs Lincoln dug through the candy bag and grabbed the largest item. It was a giant piece of chalk that was shaped like an egg. He thought it was a strawberry flavored candy. I started laughing, and then Fred came home and told me to help out with dinner next store. As I walked out the door, I heard Fred screaming after hearing Lincoln eating chalk. Within ten minutes everyone we knew, over forty people, heard what happened to Lincoln. Lincoln is one of the select few who is infamous for eating non-human food. However, below is the greatest, most embarrassing, roommate Joe story ever.

         So last year Joe fasted from eating meat. One day, while shopping at Trader Joe's, he decided to break fast when he saw a bag of "jerky" that read,"beef flavored sticks." Essentially, the bag looked appetizing and Joe felt the urge to eat as soon as possible, so he bought the "jerky" and rushed home. When he came home, he ran upstairs and took a piece of jerky and bit into it. The "jerky" Joe was eating tasted unusual. He looked at the nutritional facts, and did not recognized any of the ingredients. Finally, Joe read the bag label a second time which clearly reads, in big font, "dog food."
       When Joe saw "dog food" printed on the bag he screamed. Lincoln was sitting in the dining table when he heard Joe's scream. Joe ran down stairs and threw the bag on the table. Lincoln then read the label and screamed shock figuring out what happened to Joe. Long story short, Joe ate dog food. He begged Lincoln not to tell anyone, but Lincoln  exposed Joe's humiliation in front of all our friends.

A lesson to take from this post is read, make sure you know you are eating human food, and karma. Lincoln made fun of Joe for eating dog food, and now we make fun of Lincoln for eating chalk.

Birthday

Watch the video first and then I’ll explain. (For some reason blogger won't let me post this video.)

       In our household the birthday tradition is invite friends over late at night, turn off all the lights, and present the birthday cake. Specifically, my birthday is on Halloween, and I kind of make it a big deal since the holiday overshadows my birthday. When I turned twenty-two, my roommates were joking about throwing a pie in my face. I took the threat seriously and acted paranoid throughout the day. I stared behind my shoulder, ran away from friends, and kept telling them, “No cake in the face, don’t hurt me.” In the end, begging my roommates not to attack me only encouraged them to plot a birthday prank against me. What you do not see in the video was all my roommates dog piling onto me. When I saw the birthday cake I let my guard down, and you know the rest. Whip cream taste good, but smells awful. I had to wash my hair two times that night and once more the next morning. 

        On March, I got my revenge against the roommate who threw whip cream in my face. Sadly, we had no whip cream in the house, so I improvised by smearing thick frosting all over my his face. Sadly, the end result was lame compared to my whip cream facial. To this day my birthday remains unforgettable. On a side note, the person singing “Silent Night” is Joe.

House War

           Our houses occasionally attack one another with nerf guns, and one night the neighbors launched a surprise invasion. One of the invaders documented this attack and made a fake trailer.

  

          The night started off with Joe and I fencing with cheap foam sticks. We stopped fooling around when we heard someone crawling through the kitchen window. Joe walked into the kitchen and I heard him scream. Before I could react the front was kicked open and the neighbors charged into the living room. The person who filmed the attack, JT, shot me and ran upstairs. I followed JT and grappled him into a headlock. Fred, Joe (He somehow escaped the living room siege), and I threw JT into our room and took him hostage. Joe and I held JT hostage for about twenty minutes, while Fred guarded the front door. Eventually, we freed JT because he lost his phone. When he found his phone he recorded minor skirmishes.Essentially, JT recorded the battle preparation and the post-battle, but he did not record the actual nerf war. The very next day Fred sent out an email to everyone in the house that says, “In light of last night’s raid, please arm yourself at all times.”

Lamps

 My roommates and I can act pretty rowdy at night. Specifically, we like playing with nerf swords. Occasionally, Joe and I challenge each other to nerf fencing in the living room. 

 When the two of us duel nothing bad happens because Joe and I can control how fast or strong we swing. However, when other people duel they swing their swords furiously. For example, one night Joe and Fred duel each other, and Joe grabbed a tall lamp to defend himself. Joe swung around the lamp and snapped it in half with a kick. As the lamp snapped sparks literally flew into the air, people watching the fight ran towards Joe to help him up and to put out a potential fire. In the end, Fred scolded Joe for using the lamp as a weapon, and everyone had to contribute paying for a new living room lamp. 
             A month after the duel Fred bought two new lamps for the living room. Joe and I were busy cleaning up the kitchen, while Fred and my housemate Scott were setting up the new lights. I heard Scott say, “Oh these lamps are nice. I hope they last us for the rest of the year.” Unfortunately, three minutes later I hear glass shatter and Scott screaming “no” for thirty seconds. Turns out Fred knocked over the lamp top which leaves nothing to shield the light bulbs brightness. My house became infamous for breaking furniture, and I guess we cannot be trusted with new lights for five minutes.

Cornbread

During the Jell-O making the neighbors next door were baking cornbread. (Just to clarify for future blog post, I currently live with six other roommates, and our next door neighbors are our friends who also have six people living together. We treat the two houses as one since Parkmerced’s largest townhouse is too small to fit thirteen people.) One person became infamous for ruining the cornbread. The instructions told him to add one table spoon of salt, but he misread the measurements and added one cup of salt. During the potluck people were anxious to try the cornbread because it smelled so good. However, once people took a bite out of the cornbread they immediately tasted only salt. Everyone taste then spat the cornbread out of their mouths like crashing dominoes.

A week later, the neighbor who ruined the cornbread tried and failed to redeem himself. He ruined his second batch  by substituting salt with baking soda. Joe sampled the new cornbread, and he quickly spat it out. When Fred saw the cornbread in the trash he asked, “Hey. Who threw away the cornbread? We don’t waste food in this house.” Joe replied with a scream, “Don’t eat the cornbread! It’s super bland. It’s poison!”

Eventually, my neighbor successfully made edible cornbread after his fifth attempt. Yes, he failed two more times making it a grand total of four failed attempts to bake cornbread.

Random Cooking Failures

One day Fred threw a left over Costco hot dog in the microwave to eat. As the microwave heated the hot dog I saw sparks flashing inside the microwave because Fred forgot to take out the foil. I panicked. All I did was stand next to the microwave, shouting "fire," and pointing at the flaming hot dog. I could have just opened the microwave door and everything would be fine. Instead, Fred ran across the room and pulled his hot dog out. To this day everyone makes fun of me for shouting fire while standing next to a potential fire.

 One night my roommates made Jell-O for a potluck. One of my roommates, Lincoln, poured the Jell-O on to an aluminum tray, but as he poured Jell-O the liquid never rose. It turned out the aluminum tray had a hole in the bottom, and the Jell-O leaked out. Lincoln cleaned up the leaked Jell-O on the counter with a rag while other roommates transferred the rest of the Jell-O onto a clean tray. Afterward, someone jokingly told Lincoln to squeeze the Jell-O from the rag on to the clean tray. So Lincoln squeezed the dirty rag juice onto the Jell-O, therefore contaminating the whole dessert. Fred screamed and told Lincoln to never do that again. Everyone was then forced to make Jell-O all over again.

Snoring

  I cannot write a blog about roommates without mentioning myself because no one can ever be a perfect roommate. The biggest issue living with me is my snoring. I have heard horror stories about my snoring for the past three years, and I think I can confidently say I snore louder than screaming. My snoring constantly wakes people up at night. In fact, I occasionally wake myself up. My roommate, Fred, usually kicks my bed, or lifts my blanket to stop my snoring. Unfortunately, I wake up whenever he bothers me, and then I go back to snoring within a minute. One morning I snored so loud I woke up my entire house:

Roommate 1: Oh, man. What is that loud roar?

Roommate 2: That would be D.

Roommate 1: Oh. Oh! How can Fred sleep at night?

 When I wake up:

Me: Oh. My throat hurts. Did I wake anyone up?

Roommate 1 (screaming from his room): Yeah. You woke me up.

All my roommates, past and present, have experienced my loud snoring. I usually give them a head start at sleeping, but I still wake them up. I think my snoring is hereditary because I do not think my family suffers from sleep apnea, and only they can snore as loud as me.

Midnight Snack

One night Joe, my three other roommates, and I gathered around the dining table and shared muffins we had received from neighbors. Around midnight we started cleaning up, but Joe did something that made the night unforgettable:

Joe: Hey guys, you know what I like most about muffins?

Everyone: What?

Joe: You get to do this.

Joe picks up the paper muffin wrapper, rolls up into a ball, and eats it.

As Joe smiled, chewing on the paper, our jaws literally dropped. Everyone just paused and stared at Joe chewing and spitting out chunks of paper. When people started leaving the dining room, I purposefully teased Joe and left the extra muffin wrappers for him to eat. I turned my head for a second, and then I hear a loud gulp. Next thing I see is Joe walking up the stairs chewing on another paper muffin cup.

More recently, Joe, two different roommates, and I were just hanging around doing work at the dining table. On the table was a bag of Hershey’s Kisses chocolates. Joe ate one piece and wrapped the foil into a small ball. He balanced the foil on his knuckles, and when he made a fist the foil would fly up and hit somebody. Meanwhile, I was busy writing my mock script for class (yes it was my script for BECA 470 last semester), but Joe kept flicking the foil ball at my face. It soon became too difficult to concentrate on writing. I finally gave up when Joe flicked the foil into the air and swallowed it. Joe went into shock and he started choking. Any one of us would have helped him get the ball out, but we were all too busy laughing. I fell from my chair laughing hysterically, to the point of crying. When he spat the foil ball out it took me five minutes to calm down. In the end, I never made any progress on my script because I was too exhausted from laughing.

What Not To Bring When You Move Into A New Place

In 2008, I moved into a tower apartment with three other people close to San Francisco State University. During the move in, no one knew the exact living arrangements. I originally was hoping to live in the master bedroom with my friend from the dorms.  Instead, I was paired up with a person I did not know too well and forced to live in the smaller room. One roommate, Ben, made the argument that whoever brought the most communal things should live in the master bedroom, and if the current living arrangements did not work out then we all could swap rooms during winter. We all agreed to the idea and I settled living in the small room.

Ben got to live in the master bedroom because he brought half of the living room furniture, but he also brought the most junk. He was the kind of guy who brought things no one would never need: five samurai swords for display, a closet full of BB guns, and glassware for mixing drinks. Half the stuff Ben brought from home was impractical and a waste of space. Towards the end of our lease we ended up throwing away most of his furniture (It was destroyed through his obsessive partying), and he sold his BB gun collection to make rent. The lesson I learned from Ben is do not bring junk for “decoration” because it serves no purpose. To anyone who plans to live with other people please be considerate and prioritize bringing only bare essentials and things other people can use like dishes, pots, pans, toaster, etc…but do not use random junk or personal belongings as a justification to live in the master bedroom.

Ask For Permission Part II Featuring Roommate Joe

Currently, I live in a townhouse two blocks away from my old apartment with six other people. One of my roommates and close friends is Joe. Joe is not his real name; it is an alias I am using to protect his identity. Before moving in, Joe was infamous for using and donating other roommates’ property. In one instance, Joe thought Costco pot stickers would taste better if he added tea flavor to the wonton wrap. The mistake Joe made was that he used expensive tea leaves imported from Taiwan to make his pot stickers, and worst of all the tea belonged to his roommate Eddie. Eddie came home he screamed at the sight of Joe using his expensive tea to make Costco pot stickers. The whole dilemma kept getting worse and worse. Joe's pot stickers tasted awful, he wasted high quality tea, and he could have used a cheaper brand of tea to cook. As of today, everyone recalls Joe’s idiocy as an example of being an awful roommate.

In a similar instance, Joe found a bunch of random things lying around in the living room. He assumed people did not want to keep these possessions anymore, so he donated them without asking. I was not living with Joe at the time, but his roommates were outraged. One person lost a digital camera that still contained personal pictures that had not been loaded onto a computer, and everyone else lost some of their clothes. Joe is infamous for weird behavior. He is a nice guy we all love, and we do make fun of his short comings. Be on the lookout if you see him again on the blog.

Ask For Permission

One of the worst things a roommate can do is sell, steal, donate, and destroy your property without permission. When I was living in a tower apartment one of my roommates stole my white board and tore off the wooden borders. I was furious because he went into my bedroom, took the board, erased all my class notes, and price listings to sell his alcohol. He could have at least called or sent a text before using my board, but he was inconsiderate of others and cared only about making money. In addition, this same roommate stole my fabric softener and waffle iron. He claimed both items were his but I knew the fabric softener was mine because I cut each sheet in half, a habit my mom taught me. I also knew the waffle iron was mine because my parents did not want it and forced me to take it. In the end, my solution to my roommate’s stealing habit was simply stealing back what was mine. When my roommate was not home I dug through his laundry and took back my fabric softeners. I also hid my waffle iron behind my dresser. Eventually, my bad roommate moved out and I found his waffle iron hidden in the back of the kitchen pantry. When he moved out, I claimed his waffle iron and a large pot he left behind. I guess “what goes around comes around.” My roommate stole and damaged my stuff, and a few years later I kept all the things he left behind. Life works that way sometimes.

Misadventures of a Semi-Professional Comedian (Voice writing)

Last time I went to San Jose I went to a club that was hosting an open mic. Thankfully they allowed only ten people to do stand up, so the event was not going to go over two hours. However, I was schedule to go up last. The problem with going last is you have a small crowd or no crowd to entertain. The first few guys delivered decent material, and people laughed at their jokes. Unfortunately, by the sixth person half the crowd left. The next person that went up afterwards absolutely failed at his deliveries which turned the crowd cold. Eventually, I got to perform there were only fourteen people that stood around to watch me, although four people were my friends that came along for support. The crowd laughed at most of my jokes and gave applause when I finished my bit. It was a decent night despite being last and dealing with a cold crowd. The San Jose crowd is different from San Francisco. I think my jokes are harder for San Jose folks to relate to. Perhaps I should visit San Jose and Santa Clara more often to work on new material. Maybe that will boost my stand-up.

Dumb Thing People Do (Voice assignment)

One of the annoying things that people do is make their voice-mail sound like they are talking to the caller. It is mostly teenagers and young adults that leave these voice-mails, but they are extremely irritating. What happened to traditional voice-mail greetings like, “Hello, I am unable to come to phone right now. Please leave your name and message, and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank You.” Instead I hear messages like this, “Hello? I can’t hear you hello? Just kidding I am not here right now. Later.” I once called my friend and the message he left me was, “Hello. Hey what’s up? I’m cool. Leave me a message.” When I heard “hello” I started talking, and when I heard recording beep I realized I was talking to voice-mail. Bottom line is leaving these types of messages makes you look immature, and if you’re looking for a job employers are going to think your unprofessional and stupid. Everyone please use normal voice-mail recordings. By the way I am still looking for a job if anyone is interested.

Dumb Thing People Do Blog Review

http://dumbthingspeopledo.blogspot.com/

Dumb Things People Do is a blog that describes annoying things or actions people do on a normal basis. It is written as a “daily me” blog where the author writes about other people’s stupidity or problem with his local community. The author’s purpose for writing on the blog is to vent out his frustration. For example, he writes about boycotting Cinemark movie theatres are pointless because the major corporation is too large to be affected, and only local employees would suffer the consequences. The author for the blog writes mostly for himself, and if people are interested they will follow the blog. There are no additional special features on the blog, and the blog is generic. I do not see how it can be special compared to other blogs on blogger.com. Some improvements for the blog could be other authors contributing to the blog, and posting a few videos to change the atmosphere for the blog. Currently, I would not spend extra time reading this blog.

Misadventures of a Semi-Professional Comedian Blog Review

http://julesposner.blogspot.com/

Misadventures of a Semi-Professional Comedian could be defined like a “daily me” blog, although the author specifically talks about the difficulties of trying to become a professional comedian. The author, Jules Posner, writes very honestly and as a reader I am interested by how frustrating it is for comedians to talk in front of a cold crowd. Overall, the author explains the annoyances local comedians have to deal with: tough crowd, hosting duties, number of people doing open mic, and moving to different venues. I like that the blog is very realistic and entertaining. For example, when doing an open mic most people leave towards the end of the program, and when Jules went to San Jose for a show the venue did not notify anyone they no longer host open mic nights. In addition, the blog has one video on booked showcases, which is a step above open mic that showcases Jules and other comedians’ performances. The writing style of Posner’s blog is written as a “daily me” blog, but since the content is very specific the blog never gets boring which keeps the reader’s attention.